Trisha Vicious

for many years I hid my true self never admitting that I was Native I passed for white and so I thought that’s on them if they don’t/can’t/won’t recognize me for me brown girl with blue eyes only trying to survive in a white man’s world I wouldn’t give myself to any of them so they drugged me and took what they could and then I ran and ran and ran and buried my pain they were half right I am half white but now I am stronger, wiser and I am Native, still here everyday I grow stronger, wiser and I get louder and louder about who I am and what you did to me you should be afraid you were half right but you are all wrong

spread me thin against the wall glue on one side sponge pressing down push, push, rub, rub, push for hours on end I am only wallpaper decoration adorning your house to be seen, beautifully not heard not offensive only comforting reminding everyone of the splendor you curate, you collect adding another layer of insulation between you and the outside world I will protect you as I need to as I should as a good wife does spread me thin against the wall

do you see it? can you tell? we’ve already lost my friend the 1% have won the catastrophic fires the ice storm the heat dome the atmospheric rivers will come this weekend and through the fire and ice through the heat and rain we remain we remain the abject failure of some  will not seize, nor take, nor buy, or earn   all I have left, I’ve made and we remain through all of the pain, love, hope, we, remain

I feel the rain drops one by one by one as thoughts of you for her they hit my skin sinking in achingly slow eating away my soul

I used to love you and then one day I realized I didn't anymore and that hurt as much as when you turned your back on me, walked out emotionally times all the moments in all the hours in all the days of every month and every year that I spent loving you

in part a confession a strong tendency to lie necessary in a world where truth brings punishment lies bring peace troubling in a world where truth reigns lies bring death in part an acceptance the idea that the truth shall set you free in part a rejection this whole notion that the truth shall set you free in part an understanding of everyone and why in part an acknowledgement a whole consists of a number of parts all equally unequal some deserving of goodness, peace, love others just of understanding