Trisha Vicious

dirt composed of the ashes of my ancestors babies burned alive because they were on this land and then you tell me that your religion is a peaceful religion and you tell me that your god absolves you of all sins because manifest destiny on this land lay my ancestors pieces of them here and there slaughtered like cattle because manifest destiny on this land I stand alive and strong despite all you’ve taken from me on this land I stand intelligent expansive on this land I stand  my land.  

for many years I hid my true self never admitting that I was Native I passed for white and so I thought that’s on them if they don’t/can’t/won’t recognize me for me brown girl with blue eyes only trying to survive in a white man’s world I wouldn’t give myself to any of them so they drugged me and took what they could and then I ran and ran and ran and buried my pain they were half right I am half white but now I am stronger, wiser and I am Native, still here everyday I grow stronger, wiser and I get louder and louder about who I am and what you did to me you should be afraid you were half right but you are all wrong

spread me thin against the wall glue on one side sponge pressing down push, push, rub, rub, push for hours on end I am only wallpaper decoration adorning your house to be seen, beautifully not heard not offensive only comforting reminding everyone of the splendor you curate, you collect adding another layer of insulation between you and the outside world I will protect you as I need to as I should as a good wife does spread me thin against the wall

do you see it? can you tell? we’ve already lost my friend the 1% have won the catastrophic fires the ice storm the heat dome the atmospheric rivers will come this weekend and through the fire and ice through the heat and rain we remain we remain the abject failure of some  will not seize, nor take, nor buy, or earn   all I have left, I’ve made and we remain through all of the pain, love, hope, we, remain

I feel the rain drops one by one by one as thoughts of you for her they hit my skin sinking in achingly slow eating away my soul

I used to love you and then one day I realized I didn't anymore and that hurt as much as when you turned your back on me, walked out emotionally times all the moments in all the hours in all the days of every month and every year that I spent loving you

in part a confession a strong tendency to lie necessary in a world where truth brings punishment lies bring peace troubling in a world where truth reigns lies bring death in part an acceptance the idea that the truth shall set you free in part a rejection this whole notion that the truth shall set you free in part an understanding of everyone and why in part an acknowledgement a whole consists of a number of parts all equally unequal some deserving of goodness, peace, love others just of understanding

I lay here close in Mommy's arms all wrapped up oh so warm she holds me tight a single light shines so bright I feel Mommy's kisses her warm embrace I feel her tears touch my face I see two hands reach from the sky they wrap around Mommy a voice whispers, "don't cry" then those two hands wrap around me and I am pulled ever so delicately and suddenly, yes I remember this place light, laughter and love fill the air "you are home now child," the voice declares looking down I see Mommy below I feel the wings that now carry me to and fro' my heart so full with all your love I have left your world I've risen above but please don't fret always with you I will be I am a piece of you and you are a piece of me

I took a knife and sliced it 2x2 I left part of my heart with you years repaired the damage fared I've grown to love another as the air turns crisp and the leaves start to fall your face reappears and I wonder I hope that piece keeps you warm at night I hope it wraps you in a loving light I hope you've found peace in our parting of ways and a love like I've found will find you one day

you took your hand and ran it down my cheek gripping softly my chin pulling me closer and then you kissed me your lips cracked from the years in the sun moist nonetheless I opened my mouth slightly you responded instantly your tongue entering me sweeping left around and to the right you lightly pulled back then closing off the melting heat pouring from your soul and you looked at me with those deep eyes bearing into mine yes, I felt it too

I took the bricks down one by one and lay them side by side  when the ends touched I built up reaching towards the sky this well of light shines so bright  darkness amplified  I cry no tears  this fear I bear safe, on the inside 

funny how fast an hour goes by realizing this pushes me forward and I see myself at the end of this life looking back at how fast time went by 

plucking the cloth from the ice bin placing it across her beating, beaten brow water dripping down, making its way around cool brown jewels for eyes stared into mine, wanting. "sometimes, all there is to do, is sleep" and she was gone

I will never be again who I was with you hiding but smiling gleefully I pushed I worked I laughed I cried so much I cried so much I cried so much inside you were never there and when you were, still gone writing or typing or listening to a different song but I sang I danced I smiled so hard still I cried I cried so much inside I cried so much your absence slowly killing me death near, by my side so I left and my world grew dark barely could I see only light emitting from others' hearts and still I wait awaiting that fateful day when my own heart beats again and leads me astray

vast squishy soft without you I spread out sleeping sideways occasionally layer blankets adding warmth arrange pillows on your side and sometimes I look up thinking of you somewhere there or perhaps there never however here again beside

and suddenly I realized... the entire time you were here I was alone

you've left me and you've gone gone gone gone I didn't expect you to stay I wanted you to stay but this is better somehow someway

with the sun shining down on golden pigtails and lighting up dark brown eyes she sat on the edge of the sidewalk legs crossed rolling a daisy between chubby short fingers plucking the petals one by one by one I wish...

my love I think of you as spring's soft morning dew falling gently from the sky drifting through my life as a collected whole you shine and water my soul forming glistening bright lights as stars shine amongst the night at daybreak with the sun you fade one by one melting into me covering

dark like the night your skin glows before me beads of sweat reflect stars in the sky a kiss then we dance bodies moving in rhythm grass soft and wet lightning strikes down